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Forget about wondering if there is a “Santa Claus”…A vain hope. Forget all of the Christmas shows we watched on TV throughout our whole childhood, which all proclaimed that the greatest tragedy that could befall a child on Christmas was for there to be nothing under their tree on Christmas morning. That is a lie. Those cultural lies which have strangled the wonder and magic that all of the Christmas season should be imbued with have once again focused our culture on the almighty dollar, which, lets face it, garners our worship more than anything. She is a harsh mistress, and she has power to enslave exhaustively. But, during the Holiday season, no one knows loss, and no one experiences horror like one trapped in occultic ritual abuse. I am referring to everyone who is trapped in this system. The perpetrators were once victims, and still are. The victims will one day be forced to be perpetrators, regardless of wish or will. But here is what God has to say on the matter: Isaiah 9:2 & 6 2 The people walking in darkness
have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of the shadow of death
a light has dawned. 6 For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
So, I offer this message as a beacon of hope to all trapped in darkness today and all days. There may not be a Santa Claus, and you may have nothing of substance under the tree, or you may have a ton of presents which might represent chains, but the Light has come. I offer this passage of hope to put the focus back where it belongs. It is a proclamation that applies to all people, especially people trapped in darkness and terror. I offer my commentary in the midst of a timeless passage of scripture. This is Jesus speaking to you. It is his promise to you given on this honored day:
Isaiah 61 The Year of the LORD's Favor 1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor, to proclaim freedom for the captives
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted and release from darkness for the prisoners, 2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
It is every disciple of Jesus’ call to follow in his footsteps by allowing Him to remake us into that which we otherwise would not be able to be. So, as this was, and is Jesus’ mission, so it is ours as well. I spent 39 years in captivity until being rescued by God himself a year ago this Christmas season. So, I stand on the other side of the abyss and proclaim that freedom can be had by all, because in these timeless words, He has promised it, and I am experiencing it. And it is now my mission to continue the fight against the dragon and reach back into the darkness and help those who are where I used to be. I stand as a testament to all, that God does not lie, and freedom can be had, even if it seems so long in coming. 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor. Through my healing journey, which is far from over, I have experienced God giving me all of these things, sometimes in bizarre and miraculous ways. The journey is arduous, but He sees all, and honors our efforts, and will not disappoint, even though sometimes we have to face very painful truths and memories to receive these gifts. 4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations. 5 Aliens will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards. 6 And you will be called priests of the LORD,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast. This is a promise to us, if we have the courage to move ever forward and embrace it. The ancient ruins, the devastated places, and the ruined cities all are representations of the whole of who we are: body, soul, and spirit; all of which people and Satan have sought to destroy. And, as this passage points out, the nature of this is generational. The tragedy that we have suffered, our parents suffered, and their parents…and on, and on; but, through the power of God, we can stop the cycle, and through hard work and by His grace the whole of who we are can be rebuilt into a glorious city. He is doing it for me. He can do it for all of us.
7 Instead of their shame
my people will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
they will rejoice in their inheritance;
and so they will inherit a double portion in their land,
and everlasting joy will be theirs. 8 "For I, the LORD, love justice;
I hate robbery and iniquity.
In my faithfulness I will reward them
and make an everlasting covenant with them. All of us, who have suffered ritual abuse, and all of who have suffered abuse of any kind, but especially sexual abuse, have lived our lives in shame. Sometimes it is secret. Sometimes it is hidden…even from ourselves. But there is One who knows it all, and there is only One who can remove it. The One, whom we honor in this season, is the same One who sees all. He sees our shame. He sees the injustices done to us, to our parents, to our children…and yes, the injustices that we ourselves, to our own shame, which feels everlasting, have done to others. But, the miracle of this season is all about how He, in one stroke of the pen, and with one drop of His own blood, can and will, wipe it all away. We might not feel it right away, but our inheritance because of this sacrifice is freedom, healing, peace, and joy. I confess, I don’t really even understand what joy is. I have felt it so seldom in this life. But with the help of God, and those that truly serve Him, I am seeing and beginning to experience what joy is. I recently read that the true definition of joy is the experience of being glad to be with someone. The very name of Jesus embodies joy, because it is Emmanuel, which literally means, God with us. He is glad to be with us, even if in our pain and confusion, we cannot feel it. 9 Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the LORD has blessed." This season, regardless of how little money I have, and how few presents I have to give to my children this year, the greatest gift, next to the grace given to me by the Father of Lights, is that we are all together. I have spent the last year separated from one of my children; one of the costs of the pursuit of freedom. I never thought it would come to that, but it did. But thanks to God, and some Christian friends, we are all together once again. I could not receive greater gifts. I have faith that they also will find peace and healing in time, by the same grace that I have received, and which because of this birth of births, is offered to all. 10 I delight greatly in the LORD;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. 11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness and praise
spring up before all nations. I could not say it better myself, but these words are my words. Long ago, He planted a garden in me, and He has faithfully tended it, all these years. I have seen it grow, in spite of blight and thorn, and He is causing my plants to bear good fruit. And, this Christmas season, I offer to you a full bushel. In addition to my thoughts above, here are timeless lyrics from my generation, which exemplify the journey which I have undertaken, and which I challenge everyone to join me on: Kyrie – By: Mr. Mister The wind blows hard against this mountainside
Across the sea into my soul
It reaches into where I cannot hide
Setting my feet upon the road My heart is old it holds my memories
My baby burns a gemlike flame
Somewhere between the soul and soft machine
Is where I find myself again Kyrie Eleison (Lord Have Mercy)
Down the road that I must travel
Kyrie Eleison (Lord Have Mercy)
Through the darkness of the night
Kyrie Eleison (Lord Have Mercy)
Where I'm going will you follow
Kyrie Eleison (Lord Have Mercy)
On a highway in the light When I was young I thought of growing old
Of what my life would mean to me
Would I have followed down my chosen road
Or only wished what I could be
Soli Deo Gloria! To God Alone Be The Glory!
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This is part IV in the series, Ride The Vine
Are We Living In The End Times?
This question has been a controversial topic of conversation among Christians since the beginning of the Church. It has been said that every generation has been sure that they will see the second coming of Jesus and so, the reasoning goes, this generation is no different. Indeed, there have been fluctuations in the rise and fall of civilizations throughout history. Eras like the one in which we are living have been seen before…or have they? If so, which era of history most closely mirrors the one in which we live? Are there things we have seen and are seeing that mark this era as different and unique when compared to other periods throughout history?
Some Notable Statistics About The 20th Century
There have been more Christian martyrs in the 20th century than in all of the history of the Christian Church combined:
33-1900 AD: 24,020,000
1900-2000 AD: 45,400,000
More people have been killed in wars, genocide, and political conflict in the 20th century than in any other century.
Natural disasters and weather instability are on the increase.
Israel once again became a nation in 1948. This has not occurred since the Romans destroyed Jerusalem and her temple in 70 AD. War in Israel has been unceasing since then. Many prophecies in the Bible concern Israel at the end of times.
The 20th century saw developments in technology which for the first time could threaten all of life as we know it.
These are just a few examples of events that set this century apart as unique. But are there events that make this century and the one we are currently in even more unique? I believe so, and will offer two major ones which readers may or may not be aware of.
Evil Unleashed In Fury
2 Thessalonians 2:3-12
3 Don't let anyone deceive you in any way, for that day will not come until the rebellion occurs and the man of lawlessness is revealed, the man doomed to destruction. 4 He will oppose and will exalt himself over everything that is called God or is worshiped, so that he sets himself up in God's temple, proclaiming himself to be God. 5 Don't you remember that when I was with you I used to tell you these things? 6 And now you know what is holding him back, so that he may be revealed at the proper time. 7 For the secret power of lawlessness is already at work; but the one who now holds it back will continue to do so till he is taken out of the way. 8 And then the lawless one will be revealed, whom the Lord Jesus will overthrow with the breath of his mouth and destroy by the splendor of his coming. 9 The coming of the lawless one will be in accordance with the work of Satan displayed in all kinds of counterfeit miracles, signs and wonders, 10 and in every sort of evil that deceives those who are perishing. They perish because they refused to love the truth and so be saved. 11 For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie 12 and so that all will be condemned who have not believed the truth but have delighted in wickedness.
There are many obvious ways that evil is running rampant these days. All one has to do is pick up a newspaper or turn on the news on TV or radio to see that. But there is a hideous thing being done now on a very sophisticated scale that has not been achieved to this degree ever in human history. There are many movies that talk about it, but most people don’t check into it to see the truth, nor do they understand the implications which it has for individuals and society as a whole.
What we are talking about here is the phenomenon of mind control. With the advent of the scientific pursuit of knowledge of psychology, human behavior, neurobiology, hypnosis, psychoactive drugs, combined with much research done on human beings in the concentration camps of Nazi Germany, for example, the ability to achieve mind control on a highly sophisticated scale has become possible.
It is a well documented fact that the CIA and other U.S. government agencies did mind control research in the 1950s-1960s under the programs of ARTICHOKE, BLUEBIRD, and MKULTRA.
The official line from them concerning this is that the programs were failures and were discontinued a long time ago. But is this the truth? Is the government the only one who engages in mind control programming? The answer to that is simply, any group who desires to have total control over its members. The Illuminati is renowned in the “shadow community” as having and practicing the best programming techniques. They work alone, and in conjunction both with other groups as well as the U.S government.
Getting Personal
There are many articles and websites out there with great information about how mind control works, but maybe getting a little personal about how it is for the individual caught up in it will give readers a greater grasp on the reality of how it is to live it:
Jennifer awakens at 6 am on Wednesday. The alarm is not set until 7:30 am, however. She doesn’t need to get up until then to get her kids ready for school. She can’t go back to sleep however and so she gets up, goes to the kitchen to make coffee. She makes the coffee and then settles down on the couch to read until 7:30, when she had planned to get up. She reads about a paragraph, when inside her mind the switch occurs. Now Marcia is in control of the body. Jennifer knows nothing about this. Marcia gets up, goes over to the phone, and dials a phone number she has memorized, making sure she includes the three digit prefix which ensures that the call will not show up on call logs or bills. Someone answers and Marcia asks for “Fritz”. The person on the line replies, “Yes, this is Fritz.” Marcia says, “This is Marcia.” Fritz praises Marcia for calling saying, “Oh, yes, Marcia. What a wonderful girl! I was so looking forward to hearing your voice. You brighten my day! I know I can always count on you! Listen now. Kylie needs to be outside at noon for an important meeting. Can you make sure she gets the message?” Marcia replies, “Yes. I will give her the message.” “That’s my good girl. Now can you repeat to me what you will tell Kylie?” says Fritz. Marcia repeats the directions she is to relay to Kylie exactly back to Fritz and he replies, “Perfect, Marcia, as usual. You are wonderful. You may go.” Marcia hangs up the phone.
Jennifer is back on the couch continuing her book. She has no idea that she ever left that spot. At 7:30 am she gets her kids up and off to school. She checks her email and sends a few replies. She looks at her watch and notices that it is 10:30 am. “Wow, how time flies!” she thinks. “I better get dressed.” She goes to take a shower and dresses. She feels an urgency about getting ready and puts on makeup, but doesn’t know why. She assumes that she is just in a restless mood. At 11:30 am she is ready, for what she doesn’t know, but she feels a sense of accomplishment just the same. She feels a little tired and lies on the couch for a few minutes and closes her eyes. At 11: 55 she opens her eyes but now Kylie is in charge of the body. Jennifer is “asleep”.
Kylie goes outside and walks to the end of the driveway. She stands there watching for the red sedan. She sees it coming and waves her special wave. The sedan pulls over, and she gets in the backseat. There are two men in the car. The passenger turns around and asks her for her name, “I’m Kylie. Didn’t you know?” “Just checking.” Says the man. “Welcome, Kylie.” He smiles warmly, and holds out a lollipop. Kylie thanks him and eagerly takes the lollipop. She opens it and enjoys it, not paying attention to where the car is going.
The car arrives at the church. Kylie gets out and goes inside through the side door that enters on the landing between two stairwells going down to the church basement. She goes down the stairs as always, and Jim meets her. He greets her, and tells her what a good job she has done. She is pleased with herself. As he tells her this he places his hand behind her neck and squeezes just under her skull. Suddenly, Kylie is gone, and Diana is standing there in control of the body now. Her voice is more adult sounding now, as she says hello to Jim. He smiles warmly, and says, “Hallo. Wie gehen Sie heute?” (Hello. How are you?) “Ich bin fein.” (I’m fine) Diana replies. She follows Jim into the basement room where the others are gathered. Diana knows her job well. She knows just what is expected of her. The group has been working on a ritual working to bring a certain entities influence over all of the churches. These entities of various levels will bring complacency on all of the targeted locations. Each week, the group has focused on a different location. Diana’s job is to utter the required incantation. She has a phenomenal memory and has over a hundred incantations at her disposal. At the appropriate time, Jim signals Diana to come over and recite the incantation while doing the appropriate hand motions. The ritual only takes about 45 min. Jim walks her to the stairway and up to the landing telling her the whole time how proud he is of her and what a good job she does. He praises her awesome memory and hugs her, kissing her on the cheek. She lives for this praise and the human contact. She is so very lonely. She steps out of the door and sees the red sedan. This is her cue to disappear. She goes away and Kylie is back. Kylie gets in the car, and the driver takes her home. She gets out of the car, goes inside the house and lies down on the couch.
Jennifer wakes up and looks at the clock. It is 2:45 pm. “Oh crap!” she exclaims, “I only meant to close my eyes for a minute. What’s wrong with me? Why am I always so tired? I can’t ever get anything done.” She gets up and at 3:15pm greets her children as they come home from school.
Jennifer has absolutely no idea that she ever went anywhere. Jennifer is a devout Christian, and knows that dabbling in the occult is dangerous. She tried it at a friend’s house when she was 12. She and her friend had experimented with an Ouija board, and she was surprised at how it had actually worked. But, after doing it for an hour, Jennifer had gone into convulsions. That scared her and she never had anything to do with the occult again. Besides, it was forbidden in the bible.
This is what life is like for a person who is a programmed multiple trapped in a nefarious occult organization such as the Illuminati. Some spend their whole lives living a double life, one of which is behind their own backs doing things that they would never choose if given a free choice.
The Greatest Evil There Is
It is my solid belief that there is nothing in all of the earth, or in all of human history more evil than having control over a person to this extent. It involves the systematic destruction of every shred of a person’s humanity to achieve it. It involves the rape of the body, mind, soul, and spirit, and fractures a person’s personality to the point where they have no idea who they actually are, or live in a perpetual illusion of who they really are.
If control of this kind can be achieved, and it has been proven that it can, it is irresistible to those who wish to commit crimes and never get caught. How convenient it is to instruct a programmed alter within a person to commit a crime. The host (personality who lives everyday life) is totally unaware of the instructions, and is even unaware of the fact that she lives a fractured existence. If this can be achieved, not only can the real architects of the crime be hidden, the person used to commit the crime can have it forever held over their heads, keeping them prisoners of the system. They are told that if they ever betray the Order, they will go to prison for their crime and no one will ever believe that the act was done under mind control. How silly is that? No judge anywhere would ever believe it………would they?
Stay Tuned Folks
Coming Up......
The Rise Of The Nephilim |
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This is part III in my series, Ride The Vine
After receiving and recording this vision, I did some online research concerning its two main symbols, the pillar and the vine. The intriguing information which I found adds meaning and depth to this message.
The Pillar
The pillar which I saw in the vision was what is known as a Corinthian column. It was fluted and had an elaborate capital. Interestingly, this type of column was mainly used in Roman architecture. What this says symbolically, coincides with my original interpretation of the column representing Western Christianity. All Western Christianity is descended from Roman Catholicism. Many traditions and doctrinal beliefs of Catholicism were still retained by Protestants after the Reformation. Some of these beliefs include: the celebration of Christian holidays, such as Christmas and Easter, the doctrine of original sin, the subordinate position of women in church leadership, and the dichotomous view of the things of this world being divided into one of two categories, either sacred or secular, just to name a few. This is NOT to say that Roman Catholicism is the “one true church”, but only to say that all of Western Christianity is descended from and still connected to in many ways, the Roman Church. A study of Celtic Christianity reveals the views of the Roman Church as differing in many ways from the early Christianity of the British Isles. Christianity there developed separately from Roman Christianity, especially after the fall of the Roman Empire. This was especially pronounced in Ireland and the Scottish Highlands, which were never occupied by the Romans. But this is an interesting and enlightening diversion that deserves its own discussion which I may tackle in the future.
The Vine
Before describing the different characteristics of the vine, let me amend that description slightly. Actually, as I revisited what I saw as I was doing research on vines, I realized that what I had actually seen in the vision was a kind of ivy, specifically of a type called English Ivy (Hedera helix).
A look at the characteristics and history surrounding this common plant, gives a good picture of what this new movement within Christianity might look like.
Attributes:
It is an evergreen plant with the ability to grow in the shade.
It grows well in areas where nothing else does.
It is a good ground cover which crowds out weeds.
It is a climbing plant, conforming to objects around which it climbs.
It is aggressive, invasive, and non-native to the New World.
It has no natural (environmental/biologic) controls.
It has rapid growth and low cultivation requirements.
History
In ancient times, it was associated with the Egyptian god Osiris, whose role was as judge of souls entering the afterlife. He is depicted holding an ivy covered staff. Ivy in this context represented life, death, and renewal.
In ancient Greece, an ivy crown was awarded for athletic achievement. This is probably what the Apostle Paul was referring to when he said that if we ran the “race” we would not receive a corruptible crown, but an eternal, incorruptible one. (1 Corinthians 9:25)
In the Middle Ages, ivy was believed to have the power to reveal witches and the use of ivy covered crosses for this purpose was common.
In the Victorian Era, ivy was a common decorative plant and was also carried in bride's bouquets as it symbolized fidelity.
Ivy has long been a symbol of eternal life across cultures.
In America, ivy has become a symbol of higher learning, as in the prestigious universities considered “Ivy League”.
From this information, we can get a pretty clear picture of what this new move of the Trinity will be like. It will be a movement that will start and grow by the power of the Holy Spirit, primarily, and not by human effort. It will be aggressive and invasive through society, needing little outside support. It will flourish in cultural and subcultural areas where traditional Christianity has failed to make a significant impact. Nothing will be able to conquer it. The dynamic Spirit led nature of it will crowd out the “weeds”, represented in the bible as infiltrators into His community as the agents of Satan. (See the parable of the wheat and the weeds: Matthew 13:24-30) It will meet people at the point of their need and understanding, conforming to them instead of forcing them to conform to a human version of Christian observance or culture. It will grow and flourish through all “seasons”, and through dark times.
I find it significant that ivy is associated with Osiris as the judge of the dead. It is no accident that God chooses this plant prophetically. He is saying that he is the One true God and judge of the living and the dead. As ivy is symbolic of eternal life, renewal, and fidelity, so these are all characteristics of our relationship with God through Christ Jesus. If ivy is considered to possess power over secret dark forces, so through the Holy Spirit's enabling, can we. Just as athletes of old received ivy crowns as awards, so we will also win an eternal “crown” if we commit to fight for the cause of Christ in a dark world. Last, but not least, as ivy symbolizes scholarship, the Trinity are the ultimate teachers of truth and wisdom, guiding us into all knowledge.
An Important Clarification
I was raised in a gnostic, pagan cult who taught us throughout our lives that Christianity was destined to fall and be replaced with the true version of Christianity which has been suppressed by powerful Church politics over the centuries. They look to a time in the very near future where a rightful king will ascend over all, and correct the lies of Christian doctrine, freeing people to move into a New Age of enlightenment and evolution.
I want to make it quite clear that the prophetic vision brought before you and its interpretation have nothing to do with these teachings. This is not a prophecy in accordance with this view of the future, nor in agreement with gnostic teachings. The new movement of God through Jesus will be a move more to back to the basic, orthodox teachings and their applications as described throughout the scriptures, specifically the New Testament. It will probably be closely patterned after the church as described in the book of Acts, and also what is known of the practices of first century Christians. These Christians met in small groups, mostly within homes. Their worship and teaching was more participatory in nature, in contrast to the modern practice of “spectator” Christian worship gatherings. They also had all possessions in common, giving of their abilities and resources to the group, and providing for group members who could not provide for themselves. They incorporated beliefs in a very real spiritual realm populated by Celestial beings and demons, and the practice of spiritual warfare against these “spiritual forces of evil”. (see Ephesians 6:10-18) All of these characteristics will be necessary for the survival of Jesus' Church after the kind of calamity and ensuing Great Deception, which is coming.
In the next installment of this series, I will be offering my conclusions regarding the nature of this coming Great Deception, as well as discussing key events which I believe make this generation unique; pointing to the probability that we are indeed living in the last days, the time of the budding fig tree.
Until then my friends,
Ride The Vine......... |
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This is part II of my series of articles regarding the recent vision which God most graciously gave to me regarding the church in these monumental Last Days.
My Disclaimer
After receiving the vision, I prayed and contemplated it in an effort to understand what God was communicating to me. I regard prophecy and the use of prophetic gifts as something to not take lightly. Those of us called to this sort of ministry have a huge burden of responsibility to always communicate what we are receiving from God as accurately as possible. I take this commission to which I was unmistakably called very seriously and am very careful in my observations and interpretations. So, what I present here is what I have become confident of over time. However, there may be areas which I do not understand yet. I will try do my best to be clear where these areas may be, as well as where I am stating my own opinion. These interpretations are by no means the last word on the matter, and I confess that I am a fallible vessel, and take responsibility for what I am communicating as well as correction from God as things continue to unfold.
Behold The Fig Tree
I initially wrote out this vision in order to record what I had seen as well as to open my heart and mind to whatever God wanted to communicate to me in regard to it at this time. While doing so, the phrase, “Watch the fig tree” kept intruding on my thoughts. As I went to look up the passage in John about the True Vine, I actually stumbled onto one of the passages in the gospels which uses the fig tree analogy. As I perused through the gospels I came upon this same passage in all but one of them. The previous persistent phrase running through my mind added to this passage popping up over and over again caused me to stop and take special notice. The fig tree passage which I am referring to occurs within Jesus' prophetic teachings concerning the end of the age. I had already been getting intuitive hunches that the pillar and vine vision had something to do with end times events. The passage being referred to is as follows:
“Now learn this lesson from the fig tree: As soon as its twigs get tender and its leaves come out, you know that summer is near. Even so, when you see all these things, you know that it is near, right at the door.”
Matthew 24:32-33
This same passage also appears in Mark 13:28-29, and Luke 21:29-31 with only slight variations.
Interpretation Of The Vision
I now offer my conclusions regarding this vision, which, after careful consideration I believe to have been shared with me through the Holy Spirit:
The pillar is the Church as an institution. I believe it generally applies to Western Christianity, any and all denominations. The earthquake represents an event, sometime in the future, which I sense is not too far away. This event will shake the Church, exposing its weaknesses, and almost toppling it. The perception of the pillar as part of a larger civilization leads me to conclude that this event will also affect the surrounding society in a major way. The Church, as an institution, will survive this, but only structurally. It will be useful as a framework, but will lose its effectiveness as an organized ministry, and stand as an aged structure of the past. It reminds me of the old biblical illustration of the old wineskin which is unable to hold new wine. God's Spirit will be withdrawn from the Church as we now know it, but as it cannot be conquered, will reside mainly in a new “grassroots” sort of movement which will consist of a gathered remnant of true and committed followers of Jesus. These followers will be equipped to undertake the new work that the Trinity is about to do upon the Earth. The still standing institutional Church will be useful as a framework or support around which this work will grow over a period of time.
I have been sensing in my spirit for many months now, a quickening urgency that the time of the budding fig tree is upon us. The scenario for the coming tribulation has been set in motion and the pieces are being moved into place on the world chessboard. Satan and his minions have been loosed everywhere as never before and the events spoken of in the book of Revelation and others must be played out.
The Sleeping Church
What this means regarding the majority of the Church currently is that that they are largely asleep and blind to much of what is going on all around them, and are missing crucial signs and warnings. Most are like the foolish virgins spoken of in Jesus' parable, (see Matthew 25:1-13) who are not getting their supply of oil for their lamps together to get them through the coming darkness. They will be caught completely by surprise and be so unprepared and confounded by the events taking place that some will fall under the Great Deception, and some will be rendered ineffective against it for lack of education and understanding. (see 2 Thessalonians chap. 2)
The Gathering Remnant
There is hope in all of this, however. There are those believers, scattered all around at present, who are awakening; and who are seeing the signs and discerning the imminent implications of the events of our day. They are the ones who are gathering their oil in preparation for the coming darkness. This is being done through education, investigation, and analysis of the many odd and disturbing things occurring today. They are the ones who will come together in Christ before, during, and following the calamity, and will be prepared to undertake the new work that the Trinity will be doing. The nature of the calamity and resulting climate will require the way Christianity is now commonly practiced to change if it is to survive.
A Strategy For Today
It is my opinion that the strategy at this point needs to be to boldly educate widely about the events occurring around us, and a growing number of people here and there will begin and continue to awaken. I do not believe that this awakening will often, if ever, overtake entire Church bodies or take the form of any organized “ministry”, but will happen in discussions within small groups within and around churches, and possibly other venues as well.
In the next segment of this series I will share some interesting findings which bring a fuller understanding to the symbols in the vision, and what this movement will be like.
Until Then....
Ride The Vine....... |
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Symbolism connects us on a deep level with who we are.
A few of us here meet regularly for different kinds of prayer ministry. Usually it has to do with my own inner discovery and healing from all that has happened to me in my life. It is an ongoing journey toward freedom and God is the central part of it. During these times of prayer, God seems to guide me frequently in a prophetic way, often through symbolic visions.
The Calamity
One day, recently, we were praying and inquiring of God regarding what God is doing regarding the Church here in America. As we we were praying, I saw in my mind's eye a giant marble pillar holding up a structure. It was fluted and had an elaborate capital. Suddenly there was an earthquake and the pillar shook violently. The seams where the drums of marble were put on top of each other to create the pillar  separated and the pieces shifted back and forth, but the pillar managed to stay standing. After this the pillar was not straight and had the look of being ancient; like a symbol of some gone by era. The sense I had was that the pillar was part of a bigger civilization which was also very much affected by this calamity.
The Vine
Then I saw green ivy growing all along and covering the ground before it then started to climb the pillar, winding its way up and around it all the way to the top.  The view of this had the quality of time lapse photography, where one can perceive the fast movements of the sun and shadows as time is sped up. While watching this happening, I heard the words, “I am the true vine”.
The Inquiry
We then asked what we were to do in response to this, and I heard the words, “Abide in Me”. At this point we looked up the bible passage which we knew these words were from. They are as follows:
John 15:1-8
1"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
I, for one, was astounded that the “abide in me” (remain in me in the NIV version) came from this same passage, which I did not have prior knowledge of. We then asked God how we were to “abide in him”. I then had a picture of a very little me, strattling the vine and riding it on its way up the pillar. What I take this to mean is that “riding the vine” so to speak, and abiding in him involves one's mind being in sync with God's mind and purposes. When this occurs, it is more of a passive process of just “riding the vine” wherever it is going. Often, people have their own ideas of where God is going, or where they want him to go, and they ride an offshoot of the main vine. This offshoot eventually gets pruned back and the person gets back on the true vine, or the person gets lost when the offshoot vine dies and gets cut off.
The interpretation of this vision gradually became clearer through prayer and contemplation and will be covered in subsequent posts.
 Stay Tuned and ride the Vine... |
| » I'm Still Here- Putting Things In Their Proper Order |
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Greetings all.
This is just to update you all on what has been going on in my life, and how it has impacted my ability to get blog posts up.
Ecclesiastes 3:1
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
This is a season in my life which mainly revolves around the discovery of my true history, the reclaiming of my lost humanity, and the journey toward the fusion of my highly fragmented identity. This quest has required much inner reflection and spiritual contemplation, as well as construction and maintenence of many security measures to protect me from intrusion from those who would interfere in this process, and try to drag me back into a fragmented, dangerous way of life.
I guess it could be said that everyone is on a quest to find out who they truly are, but in my case, my identity has been wrapped up in so much deception and illusion that it requires almost monklike discipline to unravel. Because of this, I have embraced God completely as my source of truth, and shepherd, guiding me in what direction to take next on this long and arduous oddysey.
I have discovered that my whole life, up until about a year ago, has literally been lived as a double life. There has been a part of me who has lived a public life, believing I had freedom of choice, while at the same time feeling a constant sense of entrapment in something that always eluded my understanding. That is until "the awakening". With this awakening, I have realized over time how I have always lived another very real shadow life. This life was one of slavery and control, and one which was very much a literal "hell" on earth.
With these discoveries has come a renewed determination to reclaim my humanity which has been stolen from me in the most heinous ways, as well as a firm resolve to create a new life for myself and my family. This life will be one where all parts of me have a free choice in life, and who serve the One and True God, not some ambitious Luciferian world system.
My whole life I've been handed a destiny by others, starting in earliest childhood; trained accordingly, and then used for other's gain. I never chose it, but was always told that this desiny was a fate that just IS, and cannot be fought or changed, no matter how hard one struggles against it. Fighting and running from one's pre-ordained destiny would only lead to misery they said, and acceptance of this fixed future would be the only way to true peace.
But I have learned that no one can know my destiny, except for the One who created me and knew me before I even was. More importantly, I always have a choice, and it is meant to be discovered over time, not handed to me by people who seek to utilize my purpose and skills to further their own ambitions. I have also learned that peace does not come from following one's prescribed "destiny", but simply from staying close to the Prince of Peace, from which all peace flows.
So, this is the life I choose for myself, and I am in the process of painfully rescuing and reconstructing my true myriad identities, and offering all parts of me a place in the world where fear and control are not the guiding forces.
God has made it clear to me that this season is about my release from this bondage which grows out of deep and intense inner work and healing; and that most outreach to help others through what I have learned would be premature at this juncture. This has led to the decision that things like this blog and all of the many internet communication networks to which I have previously dedicated so much time and energy have to be put on the back burner for the most part.
Since this is only a season, there will be another season sometime in the not too distant future where I will share what I have learned from my own journey to hopefully help others in their own quest for freedom, as well as to educate people in general regarding what is really going on in their country, communities, and churches.
I believe there is wisdom in the waiting until one can come from a position of strength and stability to reach out to others in a big way, and this wisdom comes from the God of the Universe, not from me. My natural tendency would be to do it the opposite way. I have learned lessons, however, from other survivors before me who jumped into education and outreach before they had accomplished enough of their own inner healing. This way of doing things eventually leads to one crashing and burning and getting enmired once again in the very system that they have been trying so hard to overcome.
I am determined that this is not what is going to occur with me, by the grace of God, and so I submit to His wisdom, which is the only wisdom which will truly lead to the development of me as a glorious tree bearing much healthful fruit.
I'm still here.
Oct. 17th, 2006 @ 04:44 pm
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| » The Endless Parade |
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This journey is one of ever increasing complexity, and one of never ending horrors. They march by endlessly, like some kind of macabre parade that you have no choice but to attend. You are forced to stand along the street in the cold, dark night as gruesome scenes, monsters, and evil spectres pass by one after the other, on and on and on. You look up the street in the direction from which the parade is coming and it continues on as far as one can see. It is obvious that it won't be over any time soon. You get so weary standing there but the ground is snowy and wet so you can only stand. The longer you stand, the colder you  become. Soon you are shivering and can hardly feel your hands and face, but still the terrible scenes march by. You start to really worry about whether you are going to be able to make it through this before you freeze to death. It just never ends.
You wish you could at least see something beautiful and comforting at least once. Maybe then you could glean a little warmth and hope to endure, but there is nothing like that in sight. Someone comes alongside you and offers you a pair of mittens which you gladly accept. They immediately make things just a little more bearable. You might still freeze to death, but at least the imminent threat of frostbite is curtailed. The person tells you that they drove by the parade staging grounds on the way here and that, yes, it is far up the street, but there aren't unlimited entries. They reassure you that the parade won't go on forever and that you won't freeze, but you don't know whether to believe what they are saying or not. After all, it is easy for them to be optimistic if they have seen how far it is, and when they are dressed warmer than you and haven't had to stand there as long as you have. When you look up all you can see is the endlessness of it obscured in the darkness. Do you believe what they say and relax in peace knowing that there is an end and that you will survive? Or do you rely more on your own perceptions which, granted, are coloured and amplified by weariness, fear, pain, discouragement, and hopelessness? All you can see and experience right now is  freezing cold darkness, and incredulous disgust and fear over what you are forced to stand and witness over and over. Some of the scenes are so complex and weird that you doubt that what your eyes are seeing is even real. You wonder in amazement at the twisted creativity that you see, and can't seem to understand how one would even be able to pull off things so fantastic. There are beings and things that you observe which everyone else believes to be extinct or impossible, but there they are in front of you. You cannot deny what you see without questioning your own sanity.
You wish so much that you could just be like everyone else, not seeing, or knowing. There they sit, warm in their houses not being forced to accept that the world is full of impossible possibilities, and that some have to stand in the cold darkness with no knowledge of how long they will be required to be there and unable to simply choose to leave. You stand and suffer and you begin to hate those people, warm in their houses, not being made to endure what you are enduring; not being forced to witness and believe what you are forced to witness and believe. The glaring injustice of it all looms to swallow you like an insatiable dragon. This bitter pill scratches its  way down your throat and reminds you over and over that even if you do make it out of here; even if the parade of horrors ends, none of the people in their warm protectedness will ever believe that the things that you bear witness to are real. More than likely, they won't even believe that you have been standing here all of this time.
Is there a light in the darkness? Will the night ever end? Will the sun ever come up? Will I ever be comfortable? Will I ever feel safe? Will I ever be warm? Will spring eventually overcome the long and seemingly endless winter? I know misery and hardship so well, but will I ever know joy and lasting peace? I wonder all of these things and ponder them in my heart, but the parade goes on............
Hmmm.......... Unexpected find. Is someone trying to tell me something?
Feb. 19th, 2006 @ 02:24 pm
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| » Carousel- The Programming Experience |
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[Caution: this article describes the subjective experience of a child enduring mind control programming. It may be triggering to survivors of this kind of trauma and should be read with caution, and with a safe supporter accessible]
Most who know me, know that one of my main personas is a gothic one, and that I also love a huge eclectic mix of music. I especially love to collect songs which have personal meaning to me, which is why I often like to write about the songs that touch me, and talk about what they mean to me.
One song in particular which I have really resonated with, but which is also very haunting and disturbing.... and for good reason, is by a band called Siouxsie and the Banshees. The song is called Carousel, from the album, Peepshow. The lyrics are as follows:
Carousel
You clamber up
And look behind
Their watchful eyes
The helping hands
A hen that's fierce
And painted blue
With red eyes
Wants to swallow you
A dragon dives and soars on tracks
The hands that strap you to its back
You turn around and look behind
Their smiling eyes
Won't help you down
Their tiny hands
Their tiny feet
Such little hearts
To miss a beat
Grotesque dwarves in mirrored rooms
Pulled and taut a thousand yous
Staring back through stinging tears
Remembering those funhouse thrills
The paintbox tunes and wild balloons
Their watchful eyes, you start to swoon
Oh painted vile in lurid hue
The snarling horse that waits for you
Its motor whirrs and colours curl
Inside your head the monsters whirl
Its motor whirrs and colours curl
Inside your head the monsters whirl
In sucked out
Time stood still
Roundabout back
Carousel
Time stood still
And you remember it well
Carousel
My commentary on this song from the perspective of an unfortunate survivor, and current overcomer of formal mind control programming, is most likely the most unusual take on this song out there.
The instrumental introduction to the song sets the creepy and disturbing mood perfectly, in that it is a blend of the happy music box sounding music of a carousel, overlaid with spooky, surreal synthesizer. This captures wonderfully the feelings of a warped childhood. Things which should have been happy and fun are twisted and used to terrorize. The lyrics capture the programming experience so well. The people who are supposed to love you and care for you always watchful, but never helpful. Surreal and scary imagery of childhood "friends" and normally friendly characters bringing danger and malice. Being strapped to "the dragon" is symbolic of being physically restrained and subjected to devilish torture. "Their tiny hands and feet" describe the subjective experience of the child as she dissociates from her body, which gives the illusion and perception of things seeming far away and small. The phrase, "Their little hearts", speaks to the perception of the child that those who are supposed to care and protect her have no true love to give, and indeed, as they are allowing this nightmare, they must not care, it seems. They smile and even speak encouragement, but all the while hurting you and not rescuing you.
The trauma results in the fragmentation of the mind and personality into separate parts, and when this happens, the child finds herself inside an inner landscape of confusion. The experience of being shattered into many shards, is communicated by the feeling one would have inside a room full of mirrors. The child looks around and sees duplicate images of herself everywhere, and isn't even sure which one is real, which is her. Or, are they all her? The programmers working with the child who, by the way, have induced this fragmentation of personality deliberately, through some combination of drugs, hypnosis, trauma, and electroshock; "pull out" a new alter, and teach him or her their new job and purpose, and tell them what their identity consists of.
The child, in this experience, is totally overwhelmed and confused by the mixture of good/bad and fun/terror, which characterizes their whole existence. There comes a surreal loss of grip on reality where everything swirls and melds together. Often hallucinagenic drugs are used which alter one's perceptions, so that colors become more vivid and seem to melt into one another. Eventually, the extreme trauma may cause the child to begin to lose consciousness, in other words, "start to swoon".
All the while, people are there, ever watching, but never comforting; giving you over to this sinister insanity and terror, for some "greater good". The whirling chaos creates a tormented mind full of haunting "monsters". The alters created in this experience live in a perpetual frozen state, where time stands still, but at the same time, seems to go around and around, in a never ending evil carnival ride, from which one feels that they will never, ever escape. As one looks back, the pain and terror are overwhelming and you find yourself "staring back through stinging tears".
I know that this all sounds like an unbelievable experience, but here it has been described enough to get some idea of what it is like to live through these things. The good news is that no one is trapped, ultimately. That message is a lie and all part of the illusion. If one keeps pressing on, and searching for truth, they will see their way out, and one by one, the tormented alter personalities can reconnect with thier true history and identity, and learn that they do not have to be slaves to evil puppetmasters, and healing can slowly occur. It is long and difficult, but it can be acheived.
I felt that it was important to communicate to those who would listen, what it is like for many children who, even now, as I am writing this, are suffering the very same things, while living submerged in a world of darkness from which they feel there is no escape. It is my hope that enough people can become educated about this, help survivors to escape the nightmare, and rise up and put a stop to the madness. I am not the only one, by any means, who has endured these horrific experiences and it is the stuff of reality, not some imaginary sci-fi movie.
I pray for freedom for the captives.
Here is a good article describing the methods, uses, and types of programming:
Recognizing And Classifying Programming
Feb. 19th, 2006 @ 02:20 pm
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| » Winterborn ( This Sacrifice) |
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I was watching the DVDs from the worlds best ministry to persons with DID and ritual abuse survivors, last night. The ministry is called Restoration in Christ. In one of the DVDs, Diane Hawkins, who is also a ritual abuse survivor with DID, was talking to survivors about what it takes to heal. She talked about ego strength, and the fact that some survivors did not have enough of it to make the difficult and couragous journey to healing. It is easy to go to therapy, but being committed to healing, to confronting the truth, the denial, and the dissociation, and all it entails, is something else.
This is from RCMs manual to the seminar entitled:
Restoring Shattered Lives
Motivation
**"Only when a survivor truly undertands what is involved in order to become whole, can she evaluate whether wholeness is worth the price to her. It's easy to want the benefits of wholeness, but that wholeness will only come with a price."
We have to ask ourselves:
Are we willing to....
A.) Go through intensive and extensive therapy?
B.) Go through the discomforts of change?
C.) Face and own the painful memories and the intolerable emotions?
D.) Embrace our entire history and what that means regarding our:
1. identity?
2. image?
3. family?
4. worldview?
BOTTOM LINE
"The survivor must find some reason for pursuing wholeness that surpasses the advantages she perceives in remaining divided."
THE GOOD NEWS
"When you bring God into the process, He usually has a powerful way to change perspectives and eliminate the intolerable element of the avoided reality."
I have thought long and hard about this. The truth is, I made my choice a long time ago. I am a person of truth, no matter what that means, or what it costs. When I chose that path, I took the "red pill". I went "down the rabbit hole". I can never go back. Things will never be the same. Now, I truly feel like I am living in the Matrix. I see the inner workings of the world that the majority of people either are ignorant of for lack of knowledge, or choose to be ignorant of, for lack of courage. What is really going on is scary as hell, and if people don't wake up soon.......
It will be too late.
The courage conflicts that I have to face and ask myself are:
Am I willing to:
*Relinquish control.............and risk vulnerability?
*Overcome fear of its implications.............and dare to embrace and own truth?
*Relinquish my cherished image of myself...............and embrace a new image?
*Let go of a dissociated way of life..............and embark on a new, unknown way of living?
and last but definitely NOT least..........
Am I willing to:
Walk bravely in the face of the terror and threats of the cult..........and trust God with my life?
AND
Confront the spiritual forces of darkness...............................and trust God for victory?
Whenever I think about how I am going to answer all of these questions and challenges, a song always answers this for me, and challenges me to a higher purpose. It embodies my reasons and motivation for pursuing healing and truth.
It is by our most beloved Gothic Darkwave band, the Cruxshadows, who we saw in concert last week for, I think, the fifth time!
The song is called "Winterborn". I was telling a friend the other day, how this song spoke to me, and she asked me what "Winterborn" meant. I think, as with a lot of art, it holds different meanings for different people. For me, "Winterborn" means, being born of the Winter. It is the coming into this life into both cold and seemingly dead circumstances. It is being born in a time where the Earth is in the icy grip of a virtual Winter. Whether we are aware of it or not, we in a time of frozen deadness. We are surrounded by seemingly dead hearts and spirits. We are all plagued by so many problems and demands, that feelings are much of the time, casualties of the unseen war raging all around us. It is a battle for our hearts and minds, and sooner or later, we will all be called to take a stand.
Being "born of the winter" also means to me, strength. It is being made of the stuff that outlasts cold, and want. It is being able to survive, under the surface, and wait for a time, where the warm life-giving sun will again return, and bring us to life, and make us bloom. It is being able to withstand harshness and shadow, to fight and live with the knowledge that life comes after death; warmth comes after the cold; growth comes after latency.
So, here are the words which, every time I hear them, remind me of my motivation, and why I am fighting this fight:
Winterborn (This Sacrifice)
Dry your eyes and quietly bear this pain with pride
For heaven shall remember the silent and the brave
And promise me, they will never see, the fear within our eyes
We will give strength to those who still remain
So bury fear for fate draws near and hide the signs of pain
With noble acts, the bravest souls endure the heart's remains
Discard regret, that in this debt a better world is made
That children of a newer day might remember, and avoid our fate.
And in the fury of this darkest hour we will be your light
You've asked me for my sacrifice and I am Winter born
Without denying, a faith is come that I have never known
I hear the angels call my name and I am Winter born
Hold your head up high-for there is no greater love
Think of the faces of the people you defend
And promise me, they will never see the tears within our eyes
Although we are men with mortal sins, angels never cry
So bury fear for fate draws near and hide the signs of pain
With noble acts, the bravest souls endure the heart's remains
Discard regret, that in this debt a better world is made
That children of a newer day might remember, and avoid our fate.
And in the fury of this darkest hour we will be your light
You've asked me for my sacrifice and I am Winter born
Without denying, a faith in God that I have never known
I hear the angels call my name and I am Winter born
And in the fury of this darkest hour
I will be your light
A lifetime for this destiny
For I am Winter born
And in this moment...
I will not run, it is my place to stand
We few shall carry hope
Within our bloodied hands
And in our Dying
We're more alive-than we have ever been
I've lived for these few seconds
For I am Winter born
And in the fury of this darkest hour
We will be the light
You've asked me for my sacrifice
And I am Winter born
Without denying, a faith in man
That I have never known
I hear the angels call my name
And I am Winter born
Within this moment now
I am for you, though better men have failed
I will give my life for love
For I am Winter born
And in my dying I'm more alive, than I have ever been
I will make this sacrifice for I am Winter born
Cruxshadows Official Website
**Hawkins, Tom R., Phd and Diane W. M.A.- Restoring Shattered Lives
Copyright 1995-2003 Restoration In Christ Ministries
Many Thanks Tom and Diane and.........
The Cruxshadows
Severina
Nov. 5th, 2005 @ 03:28 pm
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| » On Truth And Family Legacy |
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This writing came out of an email reply to a survivor friend of mine, who was asking for advice about how to handle her children’s negative feelings about her decision to separate from her family of origin because of ongoing problems, stemming from years of sexual abuse that she endured at the hands of her stepfather, and her mother’s lack of protection, even though she knew about the abuse, but chose to blame the victim, which, unfortunately often happens in these sorts of families.
She has been through therapy and has achieved a degree of freedom from her past, but has never told her children what happened to her. They are now in Junior High and College, and don’t understand her decision to do this. So, this is what I told her:
When I came out of my family, and started my own, I vowed that I would not live by the same principles that they lived by. I vowed that my children would have a different life than I. This is what has kept me going, and kept me fighting throughout the years.
I was raised in deception, betrayal, and lies, and I refuse to live my life that way. It is why I am where I am today. I have chosen to be a truth seeker, and a truth liver.
"Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place."
Psalm 51:6
So, what I am saying is this: Nothing good can come from secrets. You have nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing that happened to you was your fault. Why protect a false image of a man, and of a family?
These things happened to you, and your children deserve to know. They need to know so that they can better understand the situation, and you. They need to know so they can consciously choose to build a new family legacy. One based on love, not betrayal. One based on truth, not lies. One based on light, not darkness. One based on openness, not secrecy. This they can do, but only by knowing from whence they came.
By you shining your victorious light as a survivor, and an overcomer, they can see the strength of who you are, and why you have made the decisions that you have. They will know that you made them, not just for yourself, but for them and their children, and their children's children.
If the past remains secret and hidden, what good can come of it? How can God transform what evil meant for destruction and decay, into what good means for growth, transformation, and healing. And this, not just for yourself, but for your children, your descendants, and also for hurting survivors of these travesties everywhere. Decay and rot happens in the darkness. When it is brought out into the sun's lifegiving warmth, it slows down, stops spreading, and dries up. Yes, you will always see where the rot has taken place. There will always be an indelible mark on your soul, but it will lose its power to destroy. It will stand as a testimony to what was, and what God has taken and transformed, as only He can do.
These are battle scars, and we wear them proudly.
Consider this quote from JRR Tolkien:
"It is not our part to master all the tides of the world, but to do what is in us for the succour of those years wherein we are set, uprooting the evil in the fields that we know, so that those who live after may have clean earth to till. What weather they shall have is not ours to rule." JRR Tolkien~ The Return of the King pg. 190
Severina
Oct. 9th, 2005 @ 01:42 pm
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| » My Personal Passion Story |
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A friend and I were talking and speculating about headaches in people with DID, and various explanations for them.
As far as head phenomena is concerned; that is what brought all of this to the surface about a year ago. Last year, this time, I only knew that I was DID, and of the abuse occurring at my dad's house. Sometime in November, I think, I started to have this weird head/body thing. Its hard to explain, but it would suddenly feel like my brain was physically shifting back and forth very quickly in my skull. At the same time, I would hear inside my head, a zapping noise, sometimes, not always, and also shooting numbness/tingling down my right arm/hand. It would happen quickly, and afterwards I would feel dizzy and off balance for a little bit. When it happened over and over, I would eventually feel very dissociated/depersonalized, and nauseous.
I didn't go to the doctor, because it was too predictable. It happened the most intensely on Thursdays, which was my therapy day, but, Tuesday was also, and it didn't happen all day on that day. It would happen so much on Thursdays that I had to call in sick for work, for about 3 Thurs. in a row. I had to take Thursdays off, and then switch my schedule to every other Thurs. off to keep full time. It also happened some on mornings before therapy, and sometimes when I looked in the mirror. This was, of course, very bizarre. Neither my T, nor psychiatrist had any idea what could be causing it, so I had to pursue and answer, since it was significantly affecting my functionality. On Thursday, the only thing that would make it stop was to lay down and be still.
I scoured the net for journal articles, but didn't have full text privileges. I collected the citations and was going to go to the medical library and look them up. I asked around to online survivors that I knew (which were few at the time), and while most acknowledged different weird head phenomena, especially headaches, often on one side, none had phenomena quite like mine. One girl that I talked to online who lives in Utah, was going to a T who was an integrated DID person herself, and had lots of experience both personally and professionally with DID. I told her about it and she said that she would ask her T if she had any ideas about it. The T, sent her back an email which she forwarded to me, where she postulated, based on my symptoms, that there was great conflict inside. She guessed that there was new information coming to the surface, and that my presenting system was fighting it. When I read that, I started crying, because I just "knew" that I had my answer. Then I got a consistent picture in my mind of a paved street with a covered man hole in it. As I looked at the man hole, it was moving like there was something underneath that was trying to come up through it. I could also see the alters that I knew, from my presenting system, stomping all at once on the man hole cover for all they were worth, to keep whatever was coming up from emerging.
Right after that, I wrote in my journal, and a new place showed up in my internal landscape. It was a room on the top layer, but as I have since discovered, it is a portal room to other parts of the landscape and to other systems. Its a common meeting place, like an in between place. It is a very dark library. It's only light is a fireplace at one end. The wood is all dark wood, and the walls are bookshelves with books from floor to ceiling. Close to the fireplace is one of those dark reddish velvet upholstered wingback chairs. The room reminds one of a setting of some guy introducing a masterpiece theatre or something like that. Further back, are chairs lined up along both sides of the room. there are 4-6, maybe. They are kind of medieval looking with the backs pointed at the tops and ornate wood. They are further back in the room, so they are shrouded in darkness, but I know there are people sitting in them, silently. A new alter, who I had seen pop up here and there during the last year in my writings, and sometimes talking to Brad, named Becky was sitting in the leather chair at the front by the firelight. She had talked to us in the previous months, but pretending to be other alters, not showing her true identity. I gather, that she was testing the waters, checking things out to see if it was safe to bring us to this next level. She was dressed in a tan color Ancient Greek style long tunic, had long straight brown hair, gold bracelets, sandals on her feet, and a gold circlet on her head. She stood up and introduced me to "The Dark Ones", who still remained silent. Then she lead me to a door in the opposite side of the library which opened up into a dark forest at night with a full moon. There was a path through the forest through which she guided me. Torches along the path at intervals lit our way. The forest seems alive, like it contains many feelings like fear, sadness, anger, and creepiness, but they just seem to be held there. I start to see the ruined abbey, where I have been before, where I previously had met Grace (an all good, God connected alter. A kind of guide, or ISH of sorts). I call for Grace and she says to come into the ruins where there is a warm fire. She is sitting by the fire with a white hooded cape on, with the hood up. She looks up at me very somberly, and says, "Beware of the Destroyer. He will try to stop you." "What can you tell me about this head thing?" I ask. "Its a shifting between landscapes. The others are trying to break through the resistance." " But its so strong. I'm so tired. Help me, Grace." I plead. She replies, "I can't tell you more than this. I can't tell you what you are not ready to hear." "The picture thing is a good idea (collages). Becky is not always as she appears. This is a new system that exists on a different level. There is different stuff to deal with." "Any advice for me?" I ask. "Hang on to faith. Trust God. Resist evil. It will come."
~ 11/23/04
That was the beginning. I knew what the presence of "The Dark Ones" meant, and I had a sinking feeling. After this, I tried to avoid it, until I had a panic attack at work, after which I met Seth, who drew the picture of the fire and crosses. Then, I spent a couple of weeks madder at God than I had ever been. Not because of the unremembered horrors that I knew had happened, but because I knew that he was asking me to go into this dark place, to walk through the "valley of the shadow of death", and I so desperately did not want to do this. I pleaded with him to just make it all go back down, make it disappear, and free me to live and enjoy my present life. It was my personal Gethsemane. Then he gave me the vision of The Gate, after which I decided to accept the cup which was given, as my personal cross to accept and carry along my own personal Via Dolorosa, which would eventually lead to my own Golgotha, place of death, but hopefully, to a new resurrection into a new life.
And so, began the Journey, which I continue. At this point in the journey, I think that I am carrying that cross, and am somewhere along the Via Dolorosa, and at present have fallen under the weight of it. I am in need of a Simon, probably a whole bunch of Simons, to help me and carry the cross for me, along the way. I have one in my husband, but he is buckling under its weight and stumbling too. We are in need of others. It is heavy. It is dirty. It is bloody. It is painful and exhausting. The crowd will insult you, throw rocks at you, spit on you, hurl insults at you. You will have to count the cost, dig deep and ask God if it is something that he wants you to do. But if my journey continues to parallel that of Christ's, the miracle at the end of the story will change things for the good forever, and you will be rewarded for being willing to be a part of the hardest part.
Severina
Oct. 9th, 2005 @ 01:40 pm
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| » Well, It Figures |
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<td align="center">Death through freak supernatural incident
You are going to die in a freak vampire/werewolf incident. I would start carrying garlic and silver bullets if I were you. There is something weird about your demeanor, and evil is attracted to you. Plus you may be a little attracted to evil too.
Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>
Can't say I'm suprised any.
Sep. 28th, 2005 @ 10:19 am
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| » I Will Not Be Broken |
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I have recently been hearing the new song by Bonnie Raitt. I confess, she has always had a lukewarm reception from me, as I don't run in the Country/Western vein of things. I will say this, though. Every song I've heard of hers on the radio, I have enjoyed; just not enough to go out and buy one of her albums.........
until now.
The timing of this song coming out could not be more perfect for me. Every word is a vociferous expression from the depths of my being.
I dedicate this song to all who would continue to deny the truth, and who for their own comfort and convenience, would keep me in bondage. This is also to those who think they own me and control my destiny. I've got news for them..............
I Will Not Be Broken
That was then and this is now
Found my way back here somehow.
Knew you’d have to let me go
I told you once, I told you so
take me down, you can hold me but you can't hold what's within
roll me 'round, push me to the limit
maybe I may bend
but I know where I'm not going
I will not be broken
I will not be broken
I will not be someone other than who I am
I will fight to make my stand
‘cause what is living if I can’t live free
what is freedom if I can’t be me
take me down, you can hold me but you can't hold what's within
roll me 'round push, me to the limit
maybe I may bend
but I know where I'm not going
I will not be broken
I will not be broken
I won’t let you near it
I will let my spirit fly
Fly
High
Oh take me down
take me down, you can hold me but you can't hold what's within
roll me 'round, push me to the limit
maybe I may bend
but we both know where I’m not going
I will not be broken
I will not be broken
I will not be broken
By:Bonnie Raitt
Get It Here
Oh, and to those who would continue to deny the veracity of my memories, this quote speaks my mind and truth nicely.
There is an ancient Indian saying, that something lives only as long as the last person who remembers it. My people have come to trust memory over history. Memory, like fire, is radiant and immutable. Those that would douse the flame of memory, in order to put out the dangerous fire of truth, beware of these men, for they are dangerous themselves, and unwise. Their false history is written on the blood of those who might remember, and those who seek the truth.
Albert Hosteen, The X Files, Season 3 Episode 1
Sep. 20th, 2005 @ 06:37 pm
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| » My Sabbatical |
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To All,
I have been convicted of some things today, and recognize the need for a drastic change in focus in my life. Things with me have gotten out of control, and I feel as if I am on a runaway train. I have spread myself way too thin, and am becoming less and less effective in all areas. I guess you could say that I have way too many irons in the fire.
Lets see if I can sum up:
*I work full time as a hospice RN
*I have three children, one that I am homeschooling for the first time.
*I have a husband who walks through these dark hells with me, and who shoulders all of the everyday necessary stuff to keep life and the household going, and whose needs, I ashamedly admit, I neglect.
*I am in therapy twice a week, and am working on developing internal communication and cooperation, as well as understanding and dismantling programming.
*I am trying to extract myself from what remains of my extended family.
*I am on two very active survivor email lists.
*I obsessively research on the internet, literally for hours, given half a chance, printing out material way faster than I can even read it. I have literally thousands of pages of info yet to be digested that I have compiled in the last months and keep aquiring more.
*I maintain writings on two blogs.
*I correspond with many friends privately through email.
*I have a few 3D friends, that I never make the time to be with.
*I go to church every other Sunday, and am committed to singing on the worship team.
*I pop in and out of various forums and post sporatically, and they keep multiplying.
*I try to journal as part of my discovery of my system and growth, but am sporatic at that too.
*I have a whole comprehensive DVD set teaching the best techniques for dealing with DID that I have come across yet, and have only scratched the surface of the study of them.
*I have RN continuing education in my field that I am neglecting to do.
*My diet is terrible, I hardly eat. Its like an annoying neccessity.
*I am neglecting general spiritual growth disciplines like bible study, growth, and prayer.
*I get virtually NO excercise.
*I don't know when the last time I actually read a novel was.
*I have stopped going out to gothic clubs, which I used to love to do (I love the dramatic atmosphere, dressing up, the music, the people).
*And lately, I have gotten this crusading, activist drive and have begun a campaign to educate the world about ritual abuse, by contacting different ministries, talk shows, and organizations. (This one has just begun. I wrote one letter to a mega church in Colorado Springs a week ago, and have been all bent out of shape that I haven't gotten a response.)
Actually this last one was the clincher, and a little bell went off in my head that I am WAY out of control. Ecclesiastes says that there is a time for everything and everything in its time. After serious reflection, and OMG seeing that whole list, I am flabbergasted at the pandemonium my life has become. I am totally out of control, and need to be held to account. I have decided that I need to narrow my focus to a few things right now.
I need to focus on my internal discovery and growth, through spending time getting to know insiders, journaling etc
I need to focus way more energy and time on my family and child's education.
I need to discipline my spiritual practice to become stronger and better equipped to fight the enemy, both spiritual and physical.
I need to spend time and energy on those that I have developed friendships and connections with to give and get support.
I need to maintain my profession.
I need to just relax, and allow myself to lighten up and have some fun and escape sometimes.
I need to TRY to learn to live a more healthy life. (actually, this one is the hardest. I find self care to be one of my greatest challenges.)
So, here are the changes I am making:
I am changing my group status to read only, where I can go to the group site if someone alerts me that there is something that I should be aware of or help with. If the groups don't allow this, I understand and will just unsub.
I want to keep and maintain the wonderful support network that I have gathered, both friends from these groups, and in real life. I don't want to cut myself off from anyone. I still need you. Please, anyone feel free to email or IM me privately, I will welcome it.
I am maintaining my blog and my writings, and with cutting things down, they will actually be more prolific and powerful. I have so many great, inspirational and profound ideas marching around in my head, but have been spread so thin, that I haven't had time to put them into creation. So please, bookmark it and visit often. This is one of the most therapeutic things that I do and it gives me great satisfaction to edify, educate, inspire, and encourage others. It makes all of the suffering worth it.
I am concentrating on one forum only, our churches, because through that, I can hopefully make an impact more locally. I was convicted of this yesterday after visiting the forum after months of putting it off and procrastinating, and lo and behold, there was a post from just a few days ago, from a really hurting ritual abuse survivor. I was astounded and thrilled, and poured myself into encouraging her.
I'm going to spend more time researching homeschool and educational resources to guide my daughter through her education, instead of endless compiling of info on ritual abuse and programming. I will research something specific, if I need more info, or get stuck in my internal work.
I'm going to try to learn again how to maintain health and fun, and to hopefully work through my blocks in practically running my everyday life. I'm going to try to help and support my husband instead of just sucking him dry.
I am going to keep working, since it is not just a job to me, it is a ministry also.
and last but not least: I am finally and boldly going where I have not dared to go.........inside. The answers are there, I know, and the truth is, I am scared to death of them, but, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
I realize that now is not the time for me to be a crusader for "the cause". The truth is, I am still too easily triggered, too programmed, and have much to understand before I will be effective in this capacity. There is a time coming in the future, where the focus will shift more to this, and when it does..............
All I have to say is, Watch Out All You Luciferians. I will be on the war path. But, first I have to complete basic training.
Please, don't be strangers, follow my blog, if it is helpful to you, and stay safe. I don't know how long this will be, but I am going into serious monastic mode and seeking God's direction, and assistance.
I love all of you,
Severina
--
Join me on the journey
http://mysteriousjourneys.blogspot.com/
Sep. 10th, 2005 @ 04:54 pm
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| » Thoughts On The Meaning Of Family |
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If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
In the wake of my Declaration of Independence from my family of origin, I have been faced with the question of just what defines the nature of the family.
The American Heritage Dictionary defines family this way:
Family
1. A fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children.
2. Two or more people who share goals and values, have long-term commitments to one another, and reside usually in the same dwelling place.
a. All the members of a household under one roof.
b. A group of persons sharing common ancestry.
c. Lineage, especially distinguished lineage.
d. A locally independent organized crime unit, as of the Cosa Nostra.
e.
1. A group of like things; a class.
2. A group of individuals derived from a common stock: the family of human beings.
As an aside, I find it interesting that the dictionary includes in its definition, a larger group involved in shady doings, and requiring loyalty from its members. Sounds very familiar to me.
In the bible, the fourth in the ten commandments given to Israel by God states:
12 "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you. Exodus 20:12 (NIV)
This is the basic rule from where we start. There are exceptions however, specifically if the family leads a member into disobedience of God, or otherwise blocks the person's relationship with Him, to whom the primary loyalty lies.
Jesus warned his disciples of the potential cost of choosing to follow him, and predicted the fallout that would occur in many families. I think that he wanted to impress upon them the magnitude of the commitment they were making to him. Making this choice, one may be required to part with loved ones, in order to follow him down the "narrow road". He has this to say:
"51Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division. 52From now on there will be five in one family divided against each other, three against two and two against three. 53They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law." Luke 12:51-53 (NIV)
The theologian John Calvin addressed the issue of the fourth commandment in his work entitled: Institutes of the Christian Religion. He has this to say regarding exemption from the usual way of following this commandment:
"But we also ought in passing to note that we are bidden to obey our parents only "in the Lord" [ Ephesians 6:1]. This is apparent from the principle already laid down. For they sit in that place to which they have been advanced by the Lord, who shares with them a part of his honor. Therefore, the submission paid to them ought to be a step toward honoring that highest Father. Hence, if they spur us to transgress the law, we have a perfect right to regard them not as parents, but as strangers who are trying to lead us away from obedience to our true Father. So should we act toward princes, lords, and every kind of superiors. It is unworthy and absurd for their eminence so to prevail as to pull down the loftiness of God. On the contrary, their eminence depends upon God's loftiness and ought to lead us to it."
.John Calvin's Institutes of the Christian Religion
Book One page 404
All of this having been said, I am at this time compelled to reconfigure my paradigm regarding the meaning of "family". The place where I start is me, my husband, our four children, two cats, and one dog. This is the basic family unit that I live with and am committed to. Even though these relationships are loving and committed ones, they don't fill the void left by the loss of my own extended family, so I am forced to think outside the box.
First a couple of thoughts on the nature of family:
Family isn't about whose blood you have. It's about who you care about.
Trey Parker and Matt Stone, South Park, Ike's Wee Wee, 1998
The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.
Richard Bach, Illusions [1977]
The last couple of days have been ones where many people have professed love, caring, encouragement, admonishment and committment to me. Many have been fervently praying on my behalf, holding me up when I had no more strength to stand. They have stood by me, have seen my integrity, and have chosen to believe things that I testify to, things that almost unbelievable, just because they know me. They know my heart, and my soul, and can see that I seek truth above all things, and follow God wherever He leads even if the path seems at times unbearable.
So, I wanted to honor these special people, stretch my definition of "family" and choose these wonderful people as my family. They are a healing balm which fills the aching void.
Here are just some of the things that people have said to me, which have given me hope, and strength to continue on.
( Encouragement )
Aug. 18th, 2005 @ 03:57 pm
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| » A Personal Declaration of Independence |
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When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for an individual to dissolve the familial bonds that have connected her to them, and to assume among the peoples of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle her, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that she should declare the causes which impel her to the separation.
I hold these truths to be self-evident, that all people are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, families are instituted among people, deriving their just Powers from the consent of God and their progeny. – That whenever any family system becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the individual to alter or to abolish their ties to it, and to institute a new family, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to her shall seem most likely to effect her Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that family ties long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that individuals are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the relationships to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce her under absolute Despotism, it is her right, it is her duty, to throw off such a family system, and to provide for herself, new guards for her future security---Such has been the patient sufferance of this person; and such is now the necessity which constrains her to alter her former family bonds. The history of this family of origin is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over this person. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.
It has been established that I am an actual multiplicity of persons, as evidenced by the DSM-IV criteria for Dissociative Identity Disorder.
That the acquisition of such a disorder only occurs under extreme, brutal, and repeated traumas, which must commence before the age of 6 yrs. for this level of disorder to manifest.
Memories which have returned have been accompanied and/or preceded by actual sensory replay of the experience.
Physiological, emotional, and cognitive effects experienced are consistent with the events coming to light.
No memory has returned as a result of any intrusive therapeutic techniques such as hypnosis, or under any suggestion or leading by any therapist or support person.
The reading of graphic descriptions of other survivors accounts of their experience, or descriptions of the inner workings of any groups has been consistently avoided, as to discourage the contamination of any recalled material, and to ensure the pure veracity of any emerging memory or experience.
Memories which have returned have shown information which could not be known otherwise, and which have corroborated with the known operations of certain organized groups of people.
Through this internal work, actual places have been described in detail, corroborated by witnesses who have actually been to and have seen and described the same places.
Memories of rituals and ceremonies which have returned, have been consistent with details of actual, documented and known ceremonies in the groups of question, which were not known personally beforehand.
Documented evidence of intimidation and harassment by individuals or groups as evidenced by tampering with my free speech over the internet via weblogs, such as illegal acquisition of passwords, resulting in deliberate deletion of written material, and the posting of personal information on such sites for which my permission was not granted.
The deliberate sabotage of webmail accounts by individuals or groups, resulting in illegal interruption and interception of emails sent and received.
Use of terror tactics, designed to foster fear and intimidation, as evidenced by the attempted crime of physical abduction of one of my children, by alleged group, identifying themselves by the use of key phrases known only to me and said perpetrators.
The contacting of my therapist by an identified family member without my knowledge or permission while using an alias, making baseless accusations of my person, knowingly encouraging the therapist to violate legal confidentiality laws as put forth by HIPPA regulations.
As a result of all aforementioned experiences, my mental stability, professional livelihood, marriage, parenting ability, spiritual practice, healthy relationship forming ability, general functionality, and even my life have been placed in grave jeopardy.
This family of origin as well as the surrounding community of origin have grossly abused their power, and have fallen far short of providing the protection and nurturance to which every child is entitled by rights, thereby abdicating all authority over and entitlement to honor from my person.
I, therefore, the Representative of my internal persons, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of my intentions, do in the Name, and by the Authority of myself and Almighty God, solemnly publish and declare, That the whole of my person is, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent; that I am absolved from all Allegiance to this family of origin, and that all relationship between I and them, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a Free and independent person, I have full power to prosecute under the law, if it is necessary, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish relationships, and do all other Acts and Things which Independent persons may of right do.
And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, I pledge to God, my husband and my children my Life, my Fortune, and my Sacred Honor.
Signed,
Severina
Under Ruash Yasha
This the day of August 11, 2005
Aug. 11th, 2005 @ 02:30 am
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| » A Gothic Treatise |
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OK. Here we go. This got pretty long. I guess it a treatise of sorts, so I think it covers the subject pretty well. Any questions are always welcomed.
We got involved in the Goth scene in 2001, after we had a bitter falling out with Vineyard. Not that one caused the other, it was just that we had totally wrapped ourselves around church, only hanging around church people, only doing church social activities etc. for the last 10 yrs, the previous 5 in Vineyard and the 5 before that at Oakwood. Both times we had a hard time really fitting in, both times we had a crisis where each wasn't really there for us, and both times we got to the point where we wondered, "If we just didn't show up anymore, would anyone care? Would anyone even notice our absence?" Both times we tested it, and both times we found our feelings and suspicions to be correct. Both times we just stopped going and NO ONE even called us ever again, except at Vineyard where we have maintained relationship with
my best friend now. She is like us, broken and not afraid to admit it, and an alternative/hippy type person. So after the SECOND time of this happening, my heart became completely embittered toward church. Not to God, but to church. The pastor at Vineyard had also told me that my life was way to sectarian, that I needed to develop relationships and interests outside the church, that church couldn't meet all my needs. So, from 2000 until about spring of 2001 we were really involved with the SCA (society of creative anachronism) a medieval re-enacting society. It takes a lot of time and some money. It was fun, but we also encountered the same thing as when we were in the church, where it seemed like when we were new, people wanted to get to know us to a point, and then at some point weren't interested in getting to know us any deeper. I wonder if thats what's going on in our present church, and in the future, people will see whatever "flaw" or lack of being on the same wavelength or whatever it is about us, and lose interest in us.
My passion in life has always been, next to God, music. I haven't had much opportunity to perform, and have been too lazy to develop musical instrument ability (actually, I play the flute from long ago, but haven't in a long time, and would love to develop piano skills, but don't have one) . Since singing comes naturally to me and I don't have to work at it, I'm not used to that kind of discipline. I have always been a music connoisseur, of almost any type, and have been a huge collector of vinyl and now CDs. One of my biggest interests was in '80s new wave and was in an '80s yahoo group and had heard of gothic/industrial music, but didn't know what it was really. I was looking for new music interests more than anything, and a guy sent me a sampler that he made and I really liked it.
So, we started going to this goth club/bar called The Labyrinth, mainly to hear the music, and experience the "scene", like being able to dress up. The kind of sad thing is that when we started going there, we felt like we were "home". We were accepted there more easily than at church, a lot because we had more in common with the people there. Where else can you dress up elegantly wearing a corset, long skirt and long gloves?? In case you haven't noticed, dressing is an art form for me. It basically is for goths. Yes, it is a "dark" subculture, but that is misleading. Dark does not necessarily connotate "evil". Goths don't just embrace "darkness" or "morbidity". They embrace ALL of life, the good and bad, the dark places and the light. I have found in life that it is in the dark places where the most learning occurs. A very "gothic" perspective, at least for the Christian Goth is given by M. Scott Peck in an excellent book that I recently read called, People of the Lie- The Hope For Healing Human Evil. He says:
"The purpose of this book is to encourage us to take our human life so seriously that we also take human evil far more seriously—seriously enough to study it with all the means at our command, including the methods of science. It is my intention to encourage us to recognize evil for what it is, in all its ghastly reality. There is nothing morbid about my purpose. To the contrary, it is in dedication to “life…more abundantly.” The only valid reason to recognize human evil is to heal it wherever we can, and (as is currently most often the case) when we cannot, to study it further that we might discover how to heal it in specific instances and eventually wipe its ugliness off the face of the earth." M. Scott Peck- People of the Lie, pg. 44
Gothic people are artsy, creative types, who are usually deep thinkers, facinated by mystery, which often includes the mystery of death. Their tastes gravitate toward the rich, dark palette of colors and textures, like black, dark purple, dark red. Textures and fabrics like leather, lace, velvet, satin, brocade. Dark, Victorian decor. No Martha Stuart, "country" or pastel decor for us! We are also aficionados of things like gothic literature, vampire lore, silent films, cemetary/funerary art, film noir, and black comedies. We tend to have epicurean tastes in food, drink, and smoking. Goths tend to be gourmets of sorts, liking exotic food and alcoholic beverages. Liquors such as Chartreuse, and Absinthe, and Clove (Kretek) cigarettes are popular goth favorites. An interesting aside is that I know several goths who go to clubs but neither drink alcohol, smoke, or do drugs (BTW drugs do not seem to figure significantly in gothic culture). Most club goers are there for the music, expression, dance, and fashion, as well as someplace to hang with people of similar interests. Music tastes gravitate to compositions with a dark or dramatic feel; from classical music such as Bach's Toccatta and Fugue in D-Minor, Saint-Saens' Danse Macabre, Mussorgsky's Night On Bald Mountain, Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries, Beetoven's Moonlight Sonata, or Mozart's Requiem, to More modern ones like Mike Oldfield's Tubular Bells, or Theme songs from The X-Files or The Twilight Zone. We also gravitate to darker rock such as Evanescence, Type O Negative, or Delerium and older darker influential bands such as Depeche Mode, The Cure, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Bauhaus; and further back, influences like some Rolling Stones, David Bowie, The Doors, or Blue Oyster Cult. Generally, music that is generally mysterious, dramatic, deep, or epic will be well received. In the newer, younger more industrial crowd, musical influences are more electronic and driven, more like dark electronica stemming from influences like Nine Inch Nails, Skinny Puppy, and various techno artists. This is the kind of thing which has pretty much taken over the goth/industrial club scene in the last couple of years. In worship music we tend to like minor chorded and "sad" sounding things, of which a lot of the Jewish influenced worship music is. We like media in general that is very emotive, dramatic, and intense. Goths love dancing, but not so much organized dancing, but more expressive, freeflow dance. When at a goth club, you see as many dance styles as there are personalities. There is a great emphasis and "code" if you will, of being your own person, and doing your own thing, and being admired and encouraged in that. Differences and uniqueness are valued, and conformity is frowned upon. In a fashion sense, the goths that are truly admired by others are the ones who are continually going out on a creative limb; seeing great potential in the alteration of average garments into something creative and unique. Goths also tend to have a love of history and historical costuming encorpoating different historical styles into their wardrobe, especially medieval/rennaisance, some early 19th century european, and Victorian/Edwardian. They usually love art that is romantic, and hearkens back to more romantic, idealized times, such as the pre-raphealite movement of the late 19th century. We generally have a love of creation, often with a great love of sunsets, night sounds and animals, the stars and moon.
The question is always asked whether or not "goth" is a religion. As you can see, basically, from above, the answer is a resounding, NO. It is a worldview, mindset, aesthestic, and/or lifestyle, but goths have a range of spiritual bents. Most are not atheists, as most goths have a strong sense of the supernatural and the existence of something beyond the temporal here and now. Yes, there are a lot of wiccans and neo-pagans to be found among us, but curiously, Christians are suprisingly well tolerated, if we are perceived to be one of them, and not someone who is posing as a goth with an evangelistic agenda. Goths are known for their openmindedness and willingness to discuss and explore the mysteries of life. The non-Christians among us are almost always willing to hear the Christian perspective on all manner of issues, provided they are given the same respect and hearing of their perspectives on things, which is as it should be. We earn the right to be heard in the exercise of mutual respect.
I guess this just about covers it, and if you read this far, you now know more about this than just about anyone, who isn't a goth themselves, or maybe like us, you're saying, "Wow, I guess I've been a goth all along and just not known it!"
Jul. 28th, 2005 @ 02:03 pm
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| » Trusting Jesus For Memory Recovery |
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Back in about 1992 when I first started dealing with the abuse, I really had no memories. Just a lot of signs and symptoms of having been sexually abused. Plus I had this sense of incompleteness, like there was something I didn't know always nagging at me. I hated waiting for flashbacks for memory fragments to pop up. Once, I got fed up with waiting for the memories and decided to utilize some of my self hypnosis techniques from my days involved with the New Age movement. I totally relaxed my whole body and then imagined walking down a flight of steps to a basement while counting backward from 10. This is standard practice for hypnosis. I got halfway down the steps in my minds eye, and suddenly Jesus showed up in front of me, blocking my way. I then became a little girl and began throwing a "temper tantrum", beating on Him with my fists and wanting past Him, wanting to know. He stepped aside a little so that I could see past Him to the bottom of the stairs. The stairwell was dark and at the bottom was a door which was closed. There was light coming from behind the door through the crack around it. When I looked down there a feeling of fear came over me. He asked me how I felt when I looked down there and I told Him that I was scared. He asked me if I wanted to go down there now by myself, or if I wanted to trust in His timing and that when I was ready, He would take me down there. I broke down crying in His arms and said that I didn't want to go with out Him. I said that I would wait for Him even though I wanted to know so badly what had happened to me and who did it. Since then, I have trusted in Him and His timing for the memories, and I am glad, because they have been worse than my deepest fears. Sometime last year when He was preparing me for the knowledge of the DID, I had another vision of being on the other side of that door with Him in blinding light. Now the door stands open and we go there together periodically. Ironically, now He has to drag ME there. I hate memory recovery now and wish it would end. I feel like I know enough but there always seems to be more. And I know that it is important to be bold enough to go there with Him, because it makes things in my life now make more sense and why I act and feel the way I do. Having the memories actually gives me empowerment in my life. I remind myself that I already lived through it, so it won't kill me to remember. I don't go digging for memories anymore but just accept them as they are ready to come. However, it takes a while of fighting through my defense mechanisms for them to surface sometimes.
So all of you struggling with memory recovery, take heart, relax, let God bring things in His timing, and pray for confirmation of the truth and against the enemy's deception. Don't jump on a fragment right away and try to "figure it out". Just let it unfold as it will, don't read into it, and trust yourself and your gut feeling about it, in my experience, it usually proves right.
Walk in the light bros and sisses,
This was originally written 9/2002.
I thought the memories were beyond anything imaginable then? This was before I knew anything about the ritual abuse or programming. I look back and see how much God knows and how much I have to listen to him, and wait on him. If I had ignored him, and been able to access everything at once way back then, I would not have been able to bear it. I would have had to self destruct. Even now, I don't know everything. I don't know when it will end. Will I be getting back memories for the rest of my life? I don't know.
I pray every time something new comes, for God to guide me into all truth. I have to believe that he honors this prayer.
Severina
Jul. 28th, 2005 @ 11:55 am
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| » A Fine Flattery |
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I know I haven't posted in awhile. I've been busy, back to work fulltime. Its going OK. I have figured out a whole lot of stuff, and the pieces of the puzzle are slowly fitting together, and a picture is emerging steadily.
Meanwhile, I started another blog, to try and get more exposure for my writing, which I am taking very seriously. The pen is mightier than the sword they say, and the pen, or rather, the keyboard will be my sweet revenge. But more importantly, my hope is that through my writing, victims/survivors of abuse, torture, and mind control/programming will gain the courage and the inspiration to become free. Also, it is my hope and goal to be a credible source of education for those not directly affected by these things, to become aware of the dark doings in their very backyards. The light must shine in the darkness.
My other blog is at:
www.mysteriousjourney.blogspot.com
I was angered to see after it was up only a short time, that someone, who also reads this LJ sabotaged it. They deleted what I had posted, copied posts from here that I wrote a long time ago, which do not reflect the present circumstances and posted them there in place of the new ones. They also deleted my introduction to myself on my profile, copying and pasting the one from here onto the new one. Also, they accessed personal information about me, my actual name, and city in which I live and posted it publicly there, which I did not choose to do. Then, finally, they deleted my pic of myself. After a short period of fury and frustration, I had to laugh. Actually, I consider it a high compliment that the things that I write are of that much interest and that threatening to someone, that they took the time to hack through my password and vandalize my writing. Apparently, someone doesn't believe in the first ammendment to the US Constitution. Well, I am determined and tenacious. I would not have survived this long if I weren't. So, having had everything backed up, I just reposted everything. And I will continue to do so. Just like I have started my third webmail account as someone has also chased that around the net and sabotaged the two previous ones that I had. I won't give up, no matter how inconvenient or how much you hassle me. Yes, I know you are reading this, and you know where you can go. Your malicious intent is nothing more than a pathetic gesture, which only gains me more credibility. So, without further ado, the next post is my newest effort in my writing......
Severina
Jul. 22nd, 2005 @ 03:40 pm
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